The Apoplectic ┻━┻ ︵(ノಠᴥಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ Or, How I Invented A New Revolutionary Movement
Let us begin, by clearly defining the new use of the word.
Apoplectic adj., n., & occasionally a state of being
Etymology:
From apoplexy (Old French via Latin via Greek), meaning “to be struck down,” here repurposed to describe prose that strikes first and asks nothing later.
Definitions:
adj. Of writing or thought: marked by vehement conviction, emotional velocity, rhetorical excess, and a principled impatience with calm reasoning. Inclined toward splutter, thunder, and furniture-endangering emphasis.
n. A mode of expression or argument that rejects dialectical balance in favor of declarative outrage and unapologetic certainty.
v. (rare, informal) To apoplect: to abandon measured discourse and express one’s position with such force that composure becomes collateral damage.
Usage:
- His essay was not persuasive in the conventional sense, but it was unmistakably apoplectic.
- She apoplected her way through the footnotes, overturning centuries of scholarship before breakfast.
- He approached dating apoplectically, declaring his intentions in the first five minutes and regarding emotional ambiguity as a personal insult.
- She cooked apoplectically, seasoning with conviction, rejecting measurements, and treating the recipe as a series of provocative suggestions.
- The argument over the thermostat became apoplectic within moments, ending only when the chair was repositioned with unnecessary emphasis.
- His emails were apoplectic in tone—technically informative, emotionally incendiary, and impossible to ignore.
The Apoplectic Movement A Literary and Intellectual Manifesto
I. Origins
The Apoplectic Movement arises from the weary realization that the world is already on fire and does not require further calm explanation of the fact. It is a direct reaction against the dialectic tradition, which insists — quaintly, optimistically — that truth emerges through patient exchange.
The apoplectic knows better. Truth, the apoplectic argues, emerges through impact.
II. Core Principles
Conviction Over Consensus The apoplectic writer does not seek agreement. Agreement is a side effect, not a goal.
Velocity Over Balance Ideas should move fast enough to knock over lesser ideas standing too close.
Rhetorical Force Is a Virtue Volume, repetition, and exaggerated emphasis are not flaws. They are tools.
Footnotes Are Optional, Indignation Is Not Sources may be cited, but only after the argument has been set ablaze.
If a Table Remains Upright, the Passage Is Incomplete Metaphorical or otherwise.
III. Stylistic Markers
Apoplectic writing often includes:
- Short, declarative sentences deployed like blunt instruments
- Sudden italics of moral urgency
- Parenthetical asides that abandon politeness
- Rhetorical questions that are not, in fact, questions
- A noticeable lack of patience for “on the other hand”
IV. What Apoplectic Writing Is Not
- It is not incoherent ranting (though it may resemble it from a distance)
- It is not anti-intellectual (it is anti-temperance)
- It is not interested in winning debates; it is interested in ending them
V. Common Criticisms (and Their Rejection)
Critics complain that apoplectic writing is:
- “Unbalanced”
- “Overheated”
- “Emotionally compromised”
To which the apoplectic replies: Yes. Precisely. Next question.
VI. The Apoplectic Author’s Oath
I will write as though time is short, patience is thinner, and clarity sometimes requires raised voices. I will not pretend neutrality where none exists. I will not apologize for passion. And if a sentence does not leave scorch marks, I will strike it and try again.
Final Benediction
Thus is born a new mode of expression: Not to persuade gently, but to declare thunderously. Not to reconcile, but to reveal. Not to converse politely, but to apoplect gloriously.
Go forth. Tip tables. Splutter well.
And should anyone object — tell them you are not being unreasonable. You are simply being apoplectic.
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