Going And Sleeping In The Woods

It has been said that in order to become a Real Mountain Woman, or a Mountain Man,
one has to shit in the woods - but that is completely wrong.

No matter how distant the expedition, I always brought a second tent with me, I had a battery powered fan in there,
a mirror, toiletries, and all the things that a Sophisticated and Cultured Mountain Man requires.

I know that this may invite ridicule from all the Unsophisticated and Uncultured,
but I at least independently invented the second tent, and I am proud of my invention.

In all the harsh adventures that I have been through,
I have always been neatly smelling, clean shaven, and beautiful.

Now that we took care of business,
let me talk about sleeping in the woods in a slightly more serious fashion.

Unless you are in Bear Country, where they have Wolves, Grizzlies, and Venomous Snakes...
the most dangerous thing there is, that can get you, is your knife, or axe.

Always wear cut proof gloves and prefer a foldable saw over an axe,
cut away from yourself and your hands, and have a first aid kit ready.

Personally, I went to a hardware store, went to the wood working section,
and bought the meanest, sharpest and most expensive handsaw I could find.

I was always the first to gather my firewood,
I just mounted the saw on the outside of my backpack so it never caused any trouble.

If you are going to sleep in Canadian Wilderness, you will need a rifle, maybe a sidearm,
I don't know if bear spray is a good idea, frankly it sounds like a spice, well, unless you get it in addition to your firearms.

And if you are going alone consider learning to ride a Horse so that she can keep watch duty while you sleep,
or just get a hard shell camper to be perfectly safe.

Wilderness like Nordhouse, or any wilderness without danger signs,
may have some Black Bears, but these are Raccoon minded.

They may charge you, but if you make yourself bigger and meaner by extending your arms and yelling loudly,
or just going for their jugular with your teeth, the black bears will run away.

Always have a safe fire going before it gets dark,
you start a fire by lighting match sized sticks, and then just go up in size, adding bigger an bigger sticks.

I used to bring a fire starer with me,
which is basically wood fiber and candle wax.

They light easy, and keep going until large sticks are aflame,
oh, an you can never have too much firewood, so prepare a bigger pile than you think you may need.

Sleeping bags have ratings, some are rated for summer weather, others for 32 degrees, and even minus fifteen,
but don't trust those numbers completely.

If you are going to sleep in 50 degree Fahrenheit weather get a sleeping bag rated for 32 degrees,
you can always open it a little bit if it gets too warm.

I had a cheap sleeping pad that went under the sleeping bag to isolate me from the cold ground,
but it blew away in the wind once, and I never missed it.

I slept on the ground in my sleeping bag, just fine,
but I recommend you get an expensive inflatable one, as they don't weigh much.

One time,
I had visitors.

A mom and her teenage daughter moved in, near by,
which was unusual for Nordhouse, as people are supposed to camp far apart.

her daughter had an axe and immediately started chopping down a small and healthy tree,
when I told her that this is a protected area and the tree is no good for firewood...

She made an expression that clearly and without a doubt stated,
that from this point on, she will hate me, for as long as I freaking live.

But get this, the mother neither had a tent, not a sleeping bag,
she slept on the soft grass, and probably enjoyed incredible views.

So, yes there are spiders, but there is an order of things in the woods,
neither spiders nor black bears will attack, our ancestors slept on the ground or on a pile of pine tree branches for hundreds of thousands of years, and they were just fine.

But I must say that, in 2019 on one of my bicycle adventures, I've noticed Tick Warning signs,
and ticks continued popping up in the news in 2020 and 2021, at the time of this writing.

Use a tent, and do a tick check before sleep, and stay out of tall grasses, stick to the trails,
some people that do venture in deep woods like to duck tape their pants to their shoes.

Use a bug repellent,
and be very careful with tick killer spray around animals.

Sticking to the trails and sleeping in a tent,
will prevent all tick problems.

As to mosquitoes, use a repellent in the shape of a smoldering stick,
and then spray yourself as well, watch out for the hot ash when moving the stick, and don't put it too close to your tent.

So we arrive at the conclusion of this text,
and a couple of short stories about my private personal experiences, of sleeping alone in the woods.

One time, I was playing chicken with a distant Thunder Storm,
I watched it out on the horizon for a long time, it was very far away but I could the the flashes of Lightening.

I was staying atop a dune,
in an elevated location.

As my eyes got used to darkness,
the Dune Grass begun glowing with blue static electricity.

I lost that chicken game real fast,
and move my camp to a temporary but safer location in the woods.

It didn't rain,
the storm remained on the horizon until it turned to rain on the other side of Lake Michigan.

On another occasion, I've noticed some party goes out on the less wild side of the woods,
it looked like they were drinking and getting ready for a party.

I gathered my firewood, had a fire and a fine sausage, no spices, no ketchup, just the meat,
it was from a gas station but it tasted like the finest snacks.

I set aside my Art Sketches for the night, put on an Audiobook,
and quickly fell asleep.

And woke up just as quickly, and it was 11PM, or maybe 1AM,
and it sounded scary, it was a scream, it was getting closer.

My first thought was, Witches and Witchcraft, I sighed as I pulled out my Hunting knife,
and readied for battle.

When I awoke a little bit more,
I remembered that foxes have that piercing scream, and it sounded exactly like a fox, but longer.

By this time it was even closer,
so I decided to press my headphones deeper-in, and go to sleep.

Later, I heard multiple voices, and realized one of the tipsy people went to their car,
and then confused the terrain, they actually needed to walk another five minutes to get to their camp, where they were at was just an area damaged by a tornado.

I did want to go and help, but they should not have gone alone, and they obviously had alcohol in their system, plus they weren't in any danger out there,
the last thing this person needed was to see a neatly smelling Mountain Man crawl out of the woods and start babbling something about screaming foxes.